Andrew Solomon Far From The Tree

“Your Son Has….

… Autism.” That was the message on the voice mail. Now for most parents that might deliver a terrible shock, but somehow -- at least for me -- this was more of a clarification about what might have been missing from my family tree. Not really so much about my son, but more so about my family when I was growing up. Finally, there was a term that made sense for why…

My baby boy died the same day he was born- January 12, 2013 as a result of undeveloped kidneys and underdeveloped lungs. Reading Andrew's book has brought me great comfort; we all have loss in this life. One line in particular has been a revelation, "it takes an act of will to grow from loss." Thankfully, through his insightful words, I have been able to realize my burden will not go away unless I…

My daughters are adopted from foster care, now in their 20's: one daughter is mixed bipolar, learning disabled, recently denied social security and is living in a room in a house with her boyfriend; and the other has mixed psych dxs (also hypochrondria, compulsive lying), severely learning disabled and hearing impaired, still on social security and living in an adult living facility with others not…

After reading Far From the Tree I realized I wasn't alone. The treatment I had received from my nuclear and extended families made sense. Once my family knew that I was aware of being adopted the gloves came off. Frequently on holidays my larger cousins would hold me down while the others called me names and/or punched me. Comments like "Your mom likes me better than you because I'm blood" and "I…

It is not often that I find a book and realize as I read it that I have waited my whole life for such a book. That is my experience as I read “Far from the Tree.” I am the mother of 3 grown children and the concept of “vertical vs horizontal” identities is something I have never thought about. I grew up in New York City (Washington Heights) in the 50’s-60’s . I had an older brother who…

Matthew Shepard was murdered in October of 1998. This was done because he was gay. He died alone, tied to a fence on the Wyoming range. He was a thoughtful, kind person and he left us at 21. I wrote a mini-poem for him and am absolutely convinced that Matthew's memory endures:

Matthew Shepard wide the sky, long and blue before my eye, endless you are, yes you stand me up, never really…

As a three year old in the early 1940's, my thirteen year older sister evidenced schizophrenia and was institutionalized in a state mental hospital until 1979. It is the most profound experience that shaped our family and sensitized me to the cruelties of other children and the need, very strong at that time, to not let anyone know that you had mental illness in your family.

I have been…

I am writing in order to make a contribution to Andrew Solomon's project of enabling people with horizontal identities to share their stories. I grew up in the 1940s and 50s in a middle class family in the middle of the country, in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, a town epitomizing "middleness." My vaguely articulated discomfort with the confines of "middleness" was manifested in a yearning to go away to big…

I am writing at the invitation of Andrew Solomon to broaden awareness of a widespread network of rehabilitation communities for people with mental illness which aims at realigning identities. The communities are based on the premise that the illness is not all-consuming. It is not the whole of a person. The design of some 341 such communities in 32 nations is called the Clubhouse Model, and it was…

90+ man, attracted to men most of life, seldom acted upon. Aversion to all sex, including solitary masturbation, but could not resist that. Terrible guilt feelings. But did like girls, dated, platonic. Only child, parents divorced. Rarely saw my father. I asked my mother why I felt this guilt about sex. She was 90yrs old, I 70. She said she told me "Never touch yourself or a girl." Asked her, "How…

I was honored to meet Andrew, at a fundraiser that he and his partner John, hosted for my friend Spencer's film project related to Our Little Roses in Honduras. I felt so grateful to him and for his book and was blessed to be able to thank him face to face.

For about a year I was working on a memoir about my only sibling and our relationship. She has DS and we were born less than a year…

The love of guns and the need for violent entertainment are part of our culture, our heritage. The problems caused by them will not be solved in our lifetime. Nevertheless, I am an optimist and believe that we can ameliorate their negative consequences.

I am a retired school psychologist. I spent most of my career in education working with and for children and youth who were having difficulties…

Cheryl was my first girlfriend. Actually we were both about 6 years old at the time. Her parents lived across the street just off the public square from my grandmother. Whenever my parents took me to visit my grandmother, I was urged to go across the street to see Cheryl. I would hesitatingly walk across the street and stand on the sidewalk by the rock wall around Cheryl's house and wait for someone…

This Child
We had pizza on Long Ridge road in North Stamford, Connecticut after our daughter was conceived on January 2nd 1994. We lived in New York City and I was 37 and this was our first child. I was more afraid of losing the pregnancy than of having a child with Down syndrome so I declined the amniocentesis because I knew that this might be our only baby and there was a risk of miscarriage…

I have a 13 year old niece that is on the high functioning end of the spectrum. She also has a seizure disorder, and will speak but very little. After reading "Far from the Tree" there was someone with autism that told Andrew that they wish that everyone knew that people with autism know more than what we think they know. I remembered that my niece liked to look up favorite cartoons online so I know…

It was never in my genes to parent this way. Instead it's a learning curve that we are all going through in our family. Instead it's a grieving process and then a healing, accepting process that will be life-long. Such is our journey as the family of a child with intellectual disability, Tourette Syndrome and ADHD. The early years of intervention, therapy and special education didn't teach any of…

More important than my story, i wish to thank Mr Solomon for writing what I think is one of the mostly timely and significant books of this century. I think you should win the Pulitzer for it. You have succeeded in writing the most profound and compassionate yet unsentimental study of the problems of identity and illness I have had the privilege of reading. You eloquently illustrate and articulate…

My name is Theresa McMillan, and I was born with a rare congenital birth defect called Moebius Syndrome. It affects the 6th and 7th facial nerves which causes paralysis of the muscles. I am not able to smile or have any facial expressions. I also have vision and hearing difficulties and hand and feet deformities and a slight learning disability.
When I was born the doctor and nurses were all…

I have entered many rooms in my 70-some years. Reading this book allowed me for the first time to enter a room in which I felt totally accepted. Thank you!

My son, John, is 31 years old and has been diagnosed with multiple leaning disabilities, RSD, Epilepsy and Schizophrenia. I believe he has been living with many of these conditions since he was 5 months old. In spite of his challenges he is living independently, speaks at local mental health conferences and has received training as a Peer Specialist with the goal of working in a field where he has…

There have been many books written about ways to help people with special needs. I am aware of only one that speaks about how to develop a relationship with such people. There seems to be a consensus that they Need Fixing and the focus is on the Problem, not on their uniqueness and need to be understood. I’ve discovered that a deep relationship is possible, even when verbal communication is limited…

When I was a teenager, I came across a magazine article featuring a mom whose son had been born with a cleft lip and palate. In the article, the mom spoke of her son’s birth, and emphasized that it was not the joyous occasion she had expected it to be.

When I read this, I felt a strong emotional reaction well up within me. I found myself in tears, angry toward the mother in the article,…

I really just want to communicate my deep gratitude to Andrew Solomon. I am the bipolar mom of a child misdiagnosed with autism. I went through a horrific breakdown when our son was diagnosed at age 3, nearly seven years ago. I read The Noonday Demon a couple months ago and just finished Far from the Tree. I have seen countless psychiatrists and therapists but no one has ever given me more insight…

I am first a mom of a beautiful creative lovely young adult daughter who has chronically suffered from disabling, paralyzing OCD since childhood, I am also a child and adolescent psychiatrist, spending most of my life trying to reduce the suffering and pain of mental illness in children, adolescents and young adults. I have a bird's eye view and live daily with the devastation that mental illness…

Our son came to us through the Foster Care system when he was 4. We adopted him, and his 2 siblings, 2 years later. We know that he suffered emotional, physical and, now we know, sexual abuse. He struggles in social situations, had previously had violent outbursts, and has finally been able to show empathy. This past year he broke our trust that we had been building, and he broke our hearts. We now…

When the Newtown shooting happened and Adam Lanza's brother said something like, "My brother has Asperger's or a personality disorder," my heart sank. My own son with Asperger Syndrome/HFA has just gotten a job at 14, wore button-down shirts everyday, and didn't have a single friend (but was not anti-social). I work as a
teacher in a school and, by Monday, an informal parent task force was forming…

I bought your book after hearing your interview on "Fresh Air." We have no category yet for our son, adopted from China more than four years ago as older, but "normal." Now we do not know if he's 11 or 8, as dental X-rays and hand X-rays question. He is ADHD, stutters, speaks of cruel abuse (burning, being tied up) and in Texas is labeled "intellectually delayed." Still, he is so happy. We are continuing…

I have an adult son with schizophrenia...probably. The only time he went to a psychiatrist the differential included schizophrenia, depression with paranoid features and/or schizoaffective disorder. All I know is he hears voices, has delusions and hallucinations, and is socially crippled. I eagerly read the chapter on schizophrenia in the book but since we are not a family with financial means, I…

I gave birth to Taylor when I was twenty years old. I was a sophomore in college when my parents retired to Florida. In an attempt to create a good life for us, I left Chicago at the age of 23 to teach in NYC. Over the past seven years, I obtained three academic degrees and traveled to three different cities. As the parent of an autistic child I experienced some of the best and worst challenges on…

Just wanted to mention another danger of limb lengthening. You take a child out of his or her social environment and put them in great pain. Then the child is heavily medicated with opium related drugs. It does not take a child long to realize that these drugs help ease mental pain as well. Such surgeries add a real danger of addiction to the child's other challenges.

I love this book! It so eloquently records the feelings and insights that I’ve had while parenting Felix, my nine-year-old son, who has autism and cerebral palsy. Felix can rage like the devil, love like the most benevolent of spirits, and explore his world with spine tingling creativity and determination. Knowing him has deepened my understanding of art, science, nonverbal communications, muscles,…

child sees
child knows
how this world goes and the child knows that the
expectations, desires, disappointments built into
the parent/child relationship became heightened when
the concept of prodigy, genius, precocious arose
behind expressions called gifts...but not for the child...
who recognized that another musical genius was just
that: another - and…

Hello, I struggle to understand my 24 year old son. He has dyslexia and likely some undiagnosed mental illness that he has worked very hard to hide from me and everyone else. He was in therapy with either his 6th or 7th therapist and I think she was making progress with him, but he sabatoged that arrangement and blamed her for continually screwing up thier appointment times -- she is my therapist…

I'm a 53 year old involved in a hit and run accident at age 17. Since then I have overcome my disability. Now an advanced Hangglider with over 30 years, and 3000 hours. A big wave bodyboarder (been in the magazines Surfer, Bodyboarding) as well as skiing, sailing, kayaking, etc... also a welder. I'd like to write about my life story, and some of the amazing adventures I've done, to inspire others..…

I heard Mr. Solomon on WNYC this afternoon. You mentioned Tom and Karen Robards, who years ago became friends of ours. We met because my wife was the Treasurer of National Down Syndrome Society, NDSS, itself founded by friends of ours, Betsy and Barton Goodwin after they had a Down Syndrome baby.

This was in the early 80's. When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I was extremely…

My beautiful, talented daughter, Juliana, was attending graduate school at Yale when she became very ill with the flu. She continued to struggle along but then developed what appeared to be chronic fatigue syndrome, which became increasingly disabling. There are innumerable people out there who have similar conditions, which no one knows how to treat; conventional medicine has no answers, although…

I can't stop crying reading this book. I am the mother of a child with Down syndrome. She came to us via adoption. She is a different race than me. I am so madly in love with her and grateful that she is mine. It blows my mind that out of every kind in the world, I got her. Loving her has stretched me and changed me in the best kind of ways. Dancing with her is the purest kind of joy.

…

My name is Byron, and I'm telling this story as if my son was telling it to you if he could.

Hello my name is Phoenix and I am a special young man. I'm 11 years old and I am as big as a 18 year old, I wear a size 13 shoe for those who can't picture my size. The big thing is I have a brain function level of a 2 year old and can through quit the fit to, it's like I'm having a two year old…

It's hard to fall far from their tree. I've had the luck of being raised Unitarian Universalist, which should imply free and liberal. I have questioned my gender since toddlerhood. Thanks to my older sisters fabulous memories of mom and me arguing about my gender and whether or not I had a penis or vagina when I could barely speak yet.

I know now, what I had back in kindergarten were…

My daughter Adora told me that she wanted her book to be published when she was six. I told her yes and went to work to help her to realize her dream. She got her first book, a big 296 pages of her stories published when she was seven. She was so inspired to teach other kids to love read and write because she loves to read and write so much. She couldn't image anybody who wouldn't love them. She started…

Despite 2 spinal fusions for severe scoliosis and chronic pain, I have managed to feel beautiful enough on the inside, that my outside really does not define me. As a Clinical Psychologist/RN I have strive to impart self acceptance and self love in the individual as well as support parents in helping their children appreciate and encourage their strengths. I recently wrote a book for kids that delivers…

I'm not a parent, and I can't claim any of the horizontal identities that Solomon discusses in Far From the Tree. In that way, I don't yet really have a story to tell. But as a young man thinking about having children in the next few years, reading this book has put me in a frame of mind that I wouldn't have even begun to fathom while contemplating impending parenthood. In many ways the idea of children…

Where to begin. We didn't really know any deaf people before Harry was identified as deaf at the age of 4 months. The idea of "Deaf culture" seemed crazy to me. How could my baby have a different culture to our own? It was as crazy as if the audiologist had said "It turns out your son is congenitally Jewish, you're going to have to buy a second set of dishes and learn Hebrew." No. Culture is something…

Just started reading the book. I wish you had discussed the bell curve. There's this group of people that have not discovered themselves yet...the slow learner. IQ 85ish. I wish they would come together. They don't qualify for services under the special Ed umbrella but could do better with interventions. I hope you might advocate for this group in the future. I consider this book an advocation for…

My husband of 42 years has always suffered from depression, something he adamantly refused to acknowledge or seek treatment for even though his brother a prominent ophthalmologist used a shotgun to take his own life.

Then on the evening of Aug 8th of this year somewhere around 10:30PM my husband simply disappeared leaving me a note stating that he had left me. The note was actually written…

My story begins with my birth, I suppose most of our stories really begin there. My father was from the mountains of NC and he moved after serving in the Air Force for 4 years to S.C. (Greenville area/ eg...the "upstate of South Carolina") and he met my Mother in 1959 after his service to our country. He "courted my Mom" the old fashioned way, in July 1960 - they were married. I came along on January…

Once I read that in certain Native American tribes, there was sometimes one of the braves who didn't do things in the same order as the others, who was different because he wanted to ride his horse backwards or go in the opposite direction or do things in ways that were not the norm. These young men were still accepted as part of the tribe, but they were known as "contrary warriors."

…

My daughter, Eve Troy was born on 12/29/10. I had a perfect pregnancy and had no idea there would be any problems. She is profoundly deaf, unable to eat on her own and requires a gastronomy tube, has an extremely difficult to manage eye condition called corneal anesthesia and she has both gross and fine motor delays. She has a cochlear implant which has yet to show many results. We are, however, communicating…

My husband and I are the proud parents of two sons and a daughter. Our two sons are 23 and 21, respectively. Our daughter is 17 going on 30 and has been our daughter for close to three years. We didn't adopt her—she is our beloved daughter who was born a natal son.

DJ came out to her brother, who informed my sisters, a lesbian and a child specialist, both left leaning, and the four…

Do you have any advice for someone with 2 narcissistic parents? I am 47 & have finally given up trying to "woo" my parents into loving me & they no longer want a relationship with me (I stopped parenting them & trying to win their favor). How can you be successful/happy in any aspect of life without the love & support of your family? It is amazing how so many parents have unconditional love for their…

I am the transgendered offspring of same-sex parents. My husband and I are now trying to go about adopting a child of our own. I have lived my life being the subject of much confusion for people and had to see my parents subject to the many questions you mention in your article. I grew up in the 80s when people in same-sex relationships didn't talk about their partners, much less acknowledge that…

We were also at the LPA convention in Boston. Our daughter was born with Achondroplasia. I read the Chapter in your book on Dwarfs. Well done, thank you. I also was an EMS Helicopter pilot in Iraq. I rescued an Iraqi family with three handicapped children with Morquio type of dwarfism. They now live with me in Idaho. My interpreter (a Muslim) in Iraq wanted to tell the Salman family, (they are also…

My daughter (17) was born with bilateral cataracts and glaucoma. She is legally blind. Her eyes do not look "normal", she wears "coke bottle" glasses and on top of all this, she follows the beat of her own drum. This has caused her many social issues and problems. She is extremely bright and funny but, is just not your typical 17 year old. The first chapter in this book has changed my life. I spent…

I have always believed that the most important relationship we have is with our parents - they validate us, they make us feel safe, and give us the extraordinary gift of believing in us and that we can "do". I am the mother of 3 grown sons, one of whom is gay, and I have always strived to make them feel wanted and loved and that they belong. Relationships are complex and can be difficult, but it's…

I am a transgender man in my twenties, happy and studying law. My parents were supportive, loving, and kind as I transitioned. Your book helped me to see the heroism in what they have shrugged off as merely good parenting. Also, thank you for your family's story in Chapter XII. Seeing another way of making a family makes it easier to envision one of my own.

I was put up for adoption and abused on a dairy farm. I was adopted to save a marriage. I was sent to the barn at age 5 as my mother despised me. I was worked to the point of exhaustion and beaten daily...this is literally 1/2 mile from where painter Grandma Moses lived. I'm now 47 with a wonderful family. I have battled addictions and embraced recovery. But I believe that child slavery is an ongoing…

My dear son, who was 17 years of age, ended up being arrested for going along with armed robberies. Two robberies, in fact. He was sentenced to 20 years and 4 months behind bars after being tried as an adult. This is a non-murder case, although a man was shot in the leg (not by my son). Yet my son was considered a part of the crime, and was still sentenced for this length of time. He is now 19 years…

My fiance has an adopted child who has some violent tendencies and has been to multiple short- and long-term facilities for treatment. He has recently threatened to kill my fiance and was taken to a facility but was released to his mother after a few days even though there has not been a big change in attitude.

Where do you go for help if the resources available to you have not worked…

My family story is a Chinese box tale of learning disabilities…

I have a MSW and MFA in Creative Writing. I have been trying to write about the convoluted illnesses and disabilities in my family including my (totally unintended and thank you for allowing me to know I am not the only parent who would not have children if I could see the future) two sets of twins. I have so much and am…