Andrew Solomon Far From The Tree

My daughter is 19 years old and has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It is considered one the most difficult mental illnesses to suffer with and to deal with for the sufferer and their family and the provider. My other daughter is 15 and is openly gay with ADHD and severe anxiety. My older daughter has a very high IQ and due to bpd being highly disregarded with a very low success…

All my life growing up, I always had another child point their fingers at me and call me a dwarf. Or someone would ask me all the time, "What's wrong with you?". Exactly my concern. What is wrong with me? Why was I born this way? Why doesn't any medical professional, know why I have this Syndrome? In 1979 when I was born, I was diagnosed by Doctor Larsen, that I have what is called, Larsen Syndrome.…

I was born a "typical" child but have known cognitive disability since birth. My older brother has autism, but was diagnosed later in life. He is now 61 years old and despite doctor recommendations early on, always remained at home, but no school existed for him until he turned 8 and the school was a 2 hour bus ride away, a bus that he had been riding, to my mother's dismay, had broken brakes - and…

No, I am not Elizabeth Bennet. But reading Far from the Tree made me ponder once more on my own prejudices and pride. It can be surprising to find prejudices in someone who has been object of so much prejudice herself, but I dare to say, it is not unusual that even people who have to struggle with their own differences are prejudiced. As the whole of humanity tend do be, after all. Andrew pointed…

From the time I was 12 on, my father would make me weigh myself before dinner. In front of my mom, my brother, food on the table. My father then would say " No one will love you ever ! Look at how fat you are." Today my very mentally ill son said, " If I was a drunk like you were, I would have blown my brains out years ago." My son's words were different but rang the same. Mental illness is not anyone's…

My "story" is pretty mundane compared to the people portrayed in the book. I just want to say that this is a life changing book for me. I almost didn't complete it past the first chapter because I really didn't believe that a homosexual person could be balanced and logical about the issues portrayed. Was I ever wrong! I have a small shelf of books that I keep because they have changed my life in some…

I tried to send something but the software ate it. I am so frustrated. I hit the return, not the Share Your Story button. I wonder how many inputs do you lose this way.

Anyway, to summarize what I was going to say in one sentence: I eat peeled hemp seed and other sources of omega-3s and exercise to get them through the blood brain barrier.

My 19 year old daughter has recently told me that she is Pansexual. That was a new one to me - so I have since researched it and am trying to understand it fully. I am fortunate that she has felt safe and comfortable enough to share this with me. She has not shared it with her father yet. She is not comfortable talking to him about her life. This puts me in an awkward spot. I have always told her…

This is from my blog about raising a legally blind, multiply-disabled child along with his sister (for more, go to familyconnect.org and click on the Blog "Raising James")

May 9, 2014
The Mile Run…and Longer Distance Events

Charlotte has qualified to do the mile-run race at the high school track. All kids who ran the mile in under ten minutes will be bussed from the…

I was deeply touched by "Far From The Tree". My children do not belong to any of the groups featured in the book, but a lot of what I read, I could relate to my own experience.

I am Polish, my husband is German and we live in the Netherlands. While we do speak Dutch and feel at home here, we do not have a Dutch identity the way our children do- that is their horizontal identity. At the…

Reading the book was a revelation. I read its entirety on my iPhone on the subway and more mornings than not, I was moved to tears. What touched me was that I was working as a social worker working with women with HIV+/AIDS, mental illness, substance abuse, etc... AND, being an orphan, I always idealized unconditional love of parents for their children. Never having experienced it, I was simultaneously…

I had a son who went through early intervention, so I know the story always continues.
So, as a therapist, I have to wonder what we can do to protect ourselves from the rage of parents striking out at every opportunity of denial.
How do we share sparks of hope where there is denial, shame, ignorance, and neglect?
Every day is a struggle because oftentimes the issue is not the individual…

I wrote this poem several years ago when my family was struggling to accept our daughter's decision to marry a person of a different race -- a family taboo.


Family Treason

Whether by chance or plan
The fruit at times falls far
From the tree and sets its seed
In soil foreign to its stock

It may take root and bear fruit
Of…

Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s I would have to say most of it was pretty great. However, when it came to school I was at a loss, especially in math and reading. Though my siblings and friends were having no problems with learning, it was extremely difficult for me. When my parents and teachers asked what the problem was, I could not tell them because it is difficult to describe one’s problem…

Moy Moy is so much a part of our lives we sometimes forget that’s not true for everyone else. So here’s the story of Moy Moy, the reason for and the inspiration of much of the work of the Latika Roy Foundation (www.latikaroy.org).

Moy Moy is from a remote village in the Himalayas. Her mother had been sterilized after her 12th baby – but Moy Moy was conceived anyway. Determined to…

I met David in 1987--while he was wearing a dress. He'd come to a gathering at a friend's home, with three other transgendered folks, to talk about gender issues. At the time, he believed himself to be "just" a cross-dresser. And I was enthralled, struck by his honesty and vulnerability.

We were nearly 40 then, and he'd struggled with this proclivity for most of his life. Once, when he…

My gratitude to Andrew Solomon for this American love story is exceeded only by my pride in the generous and courageous families he profiled so tenderly. Their stories filled me with hope for the futures of all our children; all our sisters and brothers. Our dignity can never be guaranteed by legislation, nor do we have the luxury of waiting for the pendulum of historical change to swing toward a…

I'm almost finished reading the book and have been totally engrossed. I have two daughters, 20 and 7. We are a blended family. My oldest does well academically but struggles socially. My youngest is social but has cognitive delays and receives OT, PT and speech. There is quite a bit of tension when my oldest returns home from school. She is constantly in competition with her sibling and at odds with…

Dear Andrew,
I just heard a re broadcast of you speaking on NPR radio. I was so touched and brought to tears. My story fits in, and oh, I have reserved your book with the library. My Nora is adopted and after raising another daughter, I was so angry at myself for not discovering Nora's deafness till she was 9 months. Not knowing anything about the deaf world, I/we was in a state of shock. I…

My son's 17th birthday is on 19th June - next week. He hanged himself two years ago on 31 March 2011. He was 14 years old. This is an extract from a book I have written about him, us and what happened that day. It's simply called BOY...What brought Boy to a place where death was preferable to life? What path did he walk from birth to his still-so-young fourteen years? Was it something I did or didn’t…

About four years ago, I was on a news assignment filming at an elementary school where they celebrate their annual pioneer day. I was about to begin filming four women teaching quilting when the teacher stood and introduced all but one of the women. Immediately one of the women from the group stood and said the words that I could not get out of my mind, "And This is my sister, Mary; she is also a…

My daughter was 9 years old when my mother had come for a visit and noticed that one leg was shorter than the other. I felt guilty that I hadn't seen it myself. I love my daughter, so how could I miss something like that? That's the question I had asked myself over and over. I thought, that sometimes when you go for a walk small children will complain that they are tired of walking. Little did I know,…

I am like many middle age women, I have more in common with my fellow sojourners than differences. Unfortunately, or fortunately as I see today, it was and continues to be my 'differences' that draw attention to me and not in the way of highlighting my gifts and talents.
I have always been a very tall female for my age; alas my age has caught up to my height. Along with the gift of height came…

When I was five years old, my mother divorced my biological father because he officially came out of the closet; three years later my mother remarried and we became a blended family, two children (my brother and I) from the first marriage, and three more children from the second marriage.

At the time that my mother was divorced and a single parent within a conservative and judgmental…

My daughter spent the first month of her life suffering from brain seizures. They went away, but she has always been different. Now eight years old, she doesn't pay attention well, has trouble understanding other kids' social cues and is often unresponsive to me, her teachers, other kids, etc.

She's also creative, beautiful, energetic, and wise. When she's not tuning out the world and…

I was one of those who was profoundly sexually abused, and when something happened in the news -- when I was 32 -- I cracked. I disclosed to the rest of my family that my father had been my perpetrator. I really wished that my father could say he never really meant to hurt me; I wished more that my other family members would stand up for me and rally to my side.

I have done much therapy,…

My baby boy died the same day he was born- January 12, 2013 as a result of undeveloped kidneys and underdeveloped lungs. Reading Andrew's book has brought me great comfort; we all have loss in this life. One line in particular has been a revelation, "it takes an act of will to grow from loss." Thankfully, through his insightful words, I have been able to realize my burden will not go away unless I…

My daughters are adopted from foster care, now in their 20's: one daughter is mixed bipolar, learning disabled, recently denied social security and is living in a room in a house with her boyfriend; and the other has mixed psych dxs (also hypochrondria, compulsive lying), severely learning disabled and hearing impaired, still on social security and living in an adult living facility with others not…

I am writing in order to make a contribution to Andrew Solomon's project of enabling people with horizontal identities to share their stories. I grew up in the 1940s and 50s in a middle class family in the middle of the country, in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, a town epitomizing "middleness." My vaguely articulated discomfort with the confines of "middleness" was manifested in a yearning to go away to big…

90+ man, attracted to men most of life, seldom acted upon. Aversion to all sex, including solitary masturbation, but could not resist that. Terrible guilt feelings. But did like girls, dated, platonic. Only child, parents divorced. Rarely saw my father. I asked my mother why I felt this guilt about sex. She was 90yrs old, I 70. She said she told me "Never touch yourself or a girl." Asked her, "How…

Cheryl was my first girlfriend. Actually we were both about 6 years old at the time. Her parents lived across the street just off the public square from my grandmother. Whenever my parents took me to visit my grandmother, I was urged to go across the street to see Cheryl. I would hesitatingly walk across the street and stand on the sidewalk by the rock wall around Cheryl's house and wait for someone…

It was never in my genes to parent this way. Instead it's a learning curve that we are all going through in our family. Instead it's a grieving process and then a healing, accepting process that will be life-long. Such is our journey as the family of a child with intellectual disability, Tourette Syndrome and ADHD. The early years of intervention, therapy and special education didn't teach any of…

My name is Theresa McMillan, and I was born with a rare congenital birth defect called Moebius Syndrome. It affects the 6th and 7th facial nerves which causes paralysis of the muscles. I am not able to smile or have any facial expressions. I also have vision and hearing difficulties and hand and feet deformities and a slight learning disability.
When I was born the doctor and nurses were all…

I have entered many rooms in my 70-some years. Reading this book allowed me for the first time to enter a room in which I felt totally accepted. Thank you!

My son, John, is 31 years old and has been diagnosed with multiple leaning disabilities, RSD, Epilepsy and Schizophrenia. I believe he has been living with many of these conditions since he was 5 months old. In spite of his challenges he is living independently, speaks at local mental health conferences and has received training as a Peer Specialist with the goal of working in a field where he has…

Our son came to us through the Foster Care system when he was 4. We adopted him, and his 2 siblings, 2 years later. We know that he suffered emotional, physical and, now we know, sexual abuse. He struggles in social situations, had previously had violent outbursts, and has finally been able to show empathy. This past year he broke our trust that we had been building, and he broke our hearts. We now…

When the Newtown shooting happened and Adam Lanza's brother said something like, "My brother has Asperger's or a personality disorder," my heart sank. My own son with Asperger Syndrome/HFA has just gotten a job at 14, wore button-down shirts everyday, and didn't have a single friend (but was not anti-social). I work as a
teacher in a school and, by Monday, an informal parent task force was forming…

I bought your book after hearing your interview on "Fresh Air." We have no category yet for our son, adopted from China more than four years ago as older, but "normal." Now we do not know if he's 11 or 8, as dental X-rays and hand X-rays question. He is ADHD, stutters, speaks of cruel abuse (burning, being tied up) and in Texas is labeled "intellectually delayed." Still, he is so happy. We are continuing…

I gave birth to Taylor when I was twenty years old. I was a sophomore in college when my parents retired to Florida. In an attempt to create a good life for us, I left Chicago at the age of 23 to teach in NYC. Over the past seven years, I obtained three academic degrees and traveled to three different cities. As the parent of an autistic child I experienced some of the best and worst challenges on…

Hello, I struggle to understand my 24 year old son. He has dyslexia and likely some undiagnosed mental illness that he has worked very hard to hide from me and everyone else. He was in therapy with either his 6th or 7th therapist and I think she was making progress with him, but he sabatoged that arrangement and blamed her for continually screwing up thier appointment times -- she is my therapist…

My name is Byron, and I'm telling this story as if my son was telling it to you if he could.

Hello my name is Phoenix and I am a special young man. I'm 11 years old and I am as big as a 18 year old, I wear a size 13 shoe for those who can't picture my size. The big thing is I have a brain function level of a 2 year old and can through quit the fit to, it's like I'm having a two year old…

Where to begin. We didn't really know any deaf people before Harry was identified as deaf at the age of 4 months. The idea of "Deaf culture" seemed crazy to me. How could my baby have a different culture to our own? It was as crazy as if the audiologist had said "It turns out your son is congenitally Jewish, you're going to have to buy a second set of dishes and learn Hebrew." No. Culture is something…

My story begins with my birth, I suppose most of our stories really begin there. My father was from the mountains of NC and he moved after serving in the Air Force for 4 years to S.C. (Greenville area/ eg...the "upstate of South Carolina") and he met my Mother in 1959 after his service to our country. He "courted my Mom" the old fashioned way, in July 1960 - they were married. I came along on January…

My daughter, Eve Troy was born on 12/29/10. I had a perfect pregnancy and had no idea there would be any problems. She is profoundly deaf, unable to eat on her own and requires a gastronomy tube, has an extremely difficult to manage eye condition called corneal anesthesia and she has both gross and fine motor delays. She has a cochlear implant which has yet to show many results. We are, however, communicating…

Do you have any advice for someone with 2 narcissistic parents? I am 47 & have finally given up trying to "woo" my parents into loving me & they no longer want a relationship with me (I stopped parenting them & trying to win their favor). How can you be successful/happy in any aspect of life without the love & support of your family? It is amazing how so many parents have unconditional love for their…

I was put up for adoption and abused on a dairy farm. I was adopted to save a marriage. I was sent to the barn at age 5 as my mother despised me. I was worked to the point of exhaustion and beaten daily...this is literally 1/2 mile from where painter Grandma Moses lived. I'm now 47 with a wonderful family. I have battled addictions and embraced recovery. But I believe that child slavery is an ongoing…

My dear son, who was 17 years of age, ended up being arrested for going along with armed robberies. Two robberies, in fact. He was sentenced to 20 years and 4 months behind bars after being tried as an adult. This is a non-murder case, although a man was shot in the leg (not by my son). Yet my son was considered a part of the crime, and was still sentenced for this length of time. He is now 19 years…

My fiance has an adopted child who has some violent tendencies and has been to multiple short- and long-term facilities for treatment. He has recently threatened to kill my fiance and was taken to a facility but was released to his mother after a few days even though there has not been a big change in attitude.

Where do you go for help if the resources available to you have not worked…

My family story is a Chinese box tale of learning disabilities…

I have a MSW and MFA in Creative Writing. I have been trying to write about the convoluted illnesses and disabilities in my family including my (totally unintended and thank you for allowing me to know I am not the only parent who would not have children if I could see the future) two sets of twins. I have so much and am…